| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|10:58 pm] |
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im back at my plcae again. and what have i done?
binged. purged. binged again. i realllly dont want to purge. lately purging just makes me fell soooo bad. but i cant leave so many bowls of seriously INSIDE me and by seriously i mean cereal. obciously.
fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfuckfuckfukfukfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfckfuckfuckuckf
i need fucking OUT OUT OUT OUTOOUT OT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUTOUT
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|07:57 pm] |
starting to realise why it is my mum is convinced i hate her
wish i had a tape recorder to show myself
how can i behave like that?
how has she lived through 20 years of it |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|03:56 pm] |
so fucking pissed off. the fucking repeats of the lecs are cancelled so now i ahve to fucking change subjects or never attend lectures. so fucking annoyed this is so stupid. these two courses shouldnt fucking clash coz they are ones people who do anth obviously would do at the same time. thhis is bullshit. i hate uni.
i woke up this morning with the same feeling that i used to wake up with before school everyday. i mean i thought i would have grown out of this. am i going to feel like this every fucking day i wake up for the rest of my life? no just the days i have uni/work/study or some kind of thing on. god i hate it. I HATE IT.
on another note. i am such a CLUTZ i found more bruises...hehe shoulder and lower back like just above my arse where my undies sit. woot i am such a drunken noodle! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|09:02 pm] |
stupid uni starts tomoz. well tues for me. and i thought i was sorted, coz my classes clashed but it was ok. coz the lecs and film for anth were repeted the next day, so i had it sorted. now i look at the timetable and there is no repeat.s NO REPEATS> i emailed tho coordinator. fucking im pissed off. its tuesday and im going to miss probably all of my classes, decididng which to attend! i shouldn even be doing socy1004 considering i never did socy1003 or wattevr.
Gagh |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|04:50 pm] |
ugh. i feel sick. hungover yes. drank from 2 till 2 ugh 12hours drinking. groossssss....
yesrerday before i went i was having like a weird anxiety attak, cold sweats heart racing so hard and jumping around.
i felt so out of whack. i wasnt THERE nothing was REAL it was all werid. i could hardly even drive. i gto there and nothing changed....i took panadol. and then more. and alcohol. and more panadol. ugh. only 10panadol tho. so its ok. but the red bull friggen did me in so bad. red bull has never had that affect on me before. never. so i couldnt sleep when i gto to bed--not from being awake but coz my heart was about to escape my body it was rushing and then slowing adn then skipping and rushing again and my eyes werent focusing and had the shakes. woooo thats caffine bad reaction for u! it stil hasnt gone. didnt drive, mum and dad got me and my car hehehe mum took my pulse and (she used to be a nurse) its still way faster than normal. hehehe ugh. i feeel siiick. ate coz i coudlknt thorw up and it took away the immedaite involuntary need to throw up!!! hehehehe arrggghhhhh
ic ant remember sooo much abotu alst nigth. but it was fun i am sure. ehehhe
i have fingerprint bruises on my arm. i dont no wat from. but they are large things. i dont remember being held that tightly by my arm. it hurts. mayeb it was that freaky guy who did my neck too...ill check for more bruises. i think i bruise easily? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2007|03:58 pm] |
essay 1: 0 words... understanding of wat i need to write ?? 0 000000!!!
essay 2 : 0 words...btu tis just a rewrite plus extra 500
but the essay 2 is due after essay 1 and if i try to do it first i go crazy...i know its stupid but seriously my mind just fucks up. i have to do them IN ORDER. in order emily in order. try as i may it jsut gets worse if i dont do it in the right order
argh im fucked im fucked. i cant do this. i hate uni i hate it.
why fucking test us anyway. well me. we all know i suck!!
procrastination...maybe if i make that into an acrostic poem it will make me think
gargh. its coz im fat. the fat hs leaked into my brain and is making me stupider and stupider.
hahah speaking of fat, when i was driving back from armidale and hand pains all down my arms i looked at my hand and it was all like. big. and jane was with me and i was like..does my hand look weird to u? and she said..yea looks bigger. and i paniced because i knew it was from the day before when i had binged and all the fat was being stored in my hand before being transported to rest of body. if i had cut off that hand it wouldnt have gone into my body. but i was driving so i couldnt.
and i know i know
irrational irrational irrational
Well fuck u irrationality! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2007|04:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distraught | ] |
i
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| tv |
[Apr. 17th, 2007|03:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
so that ad for that new fucking show where that lady is trying to lose heaps of weight fast is really uspetting and annying me. to "put people off" trying to be like the starrs in thinness. fucking have they no common sense? people wont watch it and be put off. SO many people with eds will watch for 'tips' or thinspo. and then those who are at the make or break point of having ed are going to just be broken and fucking suffer. its stupidest thing ever. i am so angry about it yet want to watch it |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|05:38 pm] |
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my head is not working. my brain is just falling apart. i ahve to have finsihed writing an 8min speech for uni by tomoz. and all i ahve done is read shit. and then written unrelated year 6 style sentences that just make no sense. and it all makes no sense. its all so stupid. and i keep walking away. i have been doing it for days. and nothing. but how can i not fail. god oh fucking mighty. make my brian figeen work. i cant even spell brain anymore. gargh. i hate this. i just want to sleep! im so tired! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|07:34 pm] |
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so i was dirving home. evening. country road. rounded corned and a big male roo jumped out. not early enough to hit my bull bar. late enogh to hit the side of the front of my car. it tried to hop away. fell. tried aain. shuddered. i left it. went the 2 ks home to get dad to come kill it if it needed it. got home looked at my car (dad bought) and cried. the side is all dented. the passenger door wouldnt open....v v baf...costly...cried and was so angry with me. got dad. we coudlnt find it. then ehard it in the scrub, dad coould jsut see enough that it was hopping on both its back legs thank gawd. but the way is shuddered...the side of it, its ribs and upper arms must be broken. or his head. or seomthing. but too dark to get to him. so ahd to leave him till mroning and we will go check and deal with him if we need to. i wanted to kill myeslf., need to cut so bad. i cant stand hurting things...not like that u no...if i have to kill stomghin then it has to be clean and quick. plus the cost of damage to the car. mum, after being upset , said at least my car hadnt hit someone elses or i hadnt been hurt. i said i wld rahter it had been me hurt. i am so cruel and such a fucker and so costly to my parents. there is no way i can admit it truly was an accident. i cuole have gone more slowly aroudn the corner. i knewo 60 was to fast. its speed limit 80 in day but twighlight is roo ligth and i no that. fucker. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|05:20 pm] |
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so this guy who lived with us for over a year and talked to me lots and shit is here for easter. coz hes got a job in japan and is moving there. anyway. wont go into detail. picked him up lsat night and he an i went for late night beahc walk and chat. beautiful moonlit on beach. anyway i thought my parents had told him bout me. but hadnt obvciously coz he said some stuff...and i was like. woah ok. he started ttalking about detoxes etc adn how he does this one in thailand which is fasting with occasional watermelon and herb drinks. for 14days. he said it makes him feel great emotionally to. but he went on to tell me he lost 11kg.(he was slightly overweight) and i was like. fuck. man so i askwed more and more and wat his bmi had been etc to try to see how much i wld lose. he obviosuly had no idea bout any ed i might ahve ahd. later he started talking about food funamentalists. and how he didnt like them. people who are so concerned with food and strict. and like, he said an eg of when peple make u food with their love in it and you "have" to reject it. i said i was a food fundamentalist and that the midn can be very strong. he didnt get me tho. and siad yea but talked about seomthing else. he didnt ask about my arm bands. thank god. but then didnt seem to be like evryone else asaying how i shld just work. but just hten he snuck in here and said he has perfect job: an ofice temp. like all u do is file and type and shit. and get paid heaps. and its when you like and stuff. so iw as like wow. coz obviously he doesnt know that its not the type of job thats the problem its the actual fucking apllying for getting adn GOING to the job that is the problem. i eman i volunteer and at LEAST 3 of 5 times in that i ring up andsay im not going. or jsut dont go. coz too anxcious. me. anyway was werid. chocolate. easter ugh. and my sis makes this easter cake which has no flour or anything. jsut egg chocolate sugar and butter. and the icing is pure cream and choc. its great. but so fucking.cal ridden. and then we have a chicken dish with cream in it. and potatoes. god. im so fat. im so angry. both yesterday and today i have stuggled to hold back tears after i hav eaten. purged yesterday but not able to today. hopefully i can sya im full when dinner comes. but i doubt they will accept it. my parents no i dont hav an ed anymore. well they dont really no about my bulimic tendencies btu they both no iv put on. and haev been eating for them and everyone. god i ahte this. fatfatfat so exasperated and upset. have to meet james tuesday and now dont want to.i feel like im rejecting my other friends by seeing him. but i eman i organised that before. and they wanted me to go out last night. but i live 40mins from them when i am here. and i had to get steve and shit. argh i am such a bad friend |
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| spit electricity |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|09:16 pm] |
I failed it. i know i did. the moment i walked in with the (Really nice lady who was young and a psychologist) i sat down. and i realised that i had already failed. she looked at me and thought "jesus look at this girl. shes just a fat arse lazy slob, theres no real issues with her". and then pretended to be nice and supportive and ask me questions. i answered badly. i didnt know what to say. they will say i can work where there is no people. hopefully first they will send me to fat camp where they can starve me for weeks. so she sends that stuff off. should get to centrelink by friday. then they decide. so im fucked. a) i am positive i failed. and b) if i did pass then centrelink are going to take a while to get it through and easter is soon, so there is no way i will have it by the 12th APril so now way i can avoid borrowing the 900$ i need to get to my compulsory res school in armidale. (fuel, accomodation and food costs for 2 weeks. its a 10hour drive. and i am a fatty bum cheeks who eats lots). I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO OWE THEM ANY MORE> i keep track of almost everything adn i dont want an extra grand added DAMN IT> fuckfuckfuckfuck.
youll just have to get a JOB EMILY YOU LAZY FUCKER>
i finished my ANTH essay. so no more assigns until the 17th of april. its a speech at res school. and im 2 weeks behind. and the rest of this week = uni and packing and moving. shit-a-brick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|09:26 pm] |
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interview is tommorow. and i forgot in todays hassles. i mean events. so i havnt prepared. adn i hav ti sleep soon. and rspca in morning. and then i think i wont get to gym coz doing this film thing. which means...no combat again. fucking christ. so huge. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
carry me away
but dont touch me |
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| argh! |
[Feb. 19th, 2007|03:27 pm] |
starting uni tomoz. and im freaking out. i mean. its my second year of correspondence uni, but im onyl jsut starting actual face-t-face uni. and im freaking out. beucase it means i ahve to go to a uni. and there will be people. and the lecturers will know who i am if i fuck up. but its not that. its people ebing there. or is it? either way im freaking. id rather do both corses by correspondence.but i cant handle the load. which is PATHETIC. every grade has to me a distinction or above this year. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
tommorow i will weigh ymself again. if i have gone back up to my high weight then god fucking fuck u.punishment>
argh!uni!people!studying! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|10:03 am] |
my house has like a semi hedge thing between it and the road. tho the things that are supposedto be the hedge arent that well developed. so i can stil see out onto the road.
its 10am. its the morning. and i saw this flash of organe go past one window and then the otehr. maybe its just me but i SWEAR it was inside the hedge. and it was a big orange. and it if was outside the fence it wouldn moved so fast. and it wanst a car. it was a man shape. like a big construction worker. so wat did i do? i ducked and ran to my room and peeked out the curtain. becuase i get so freaked out by things like that. if i am home alone and somone comes knocking or anywhere in my yard i FREAK out coz im so pathetic!!! anyway this orange thing disappeared. i coudlnt see it anywher. maybe hes waiting till i go outside.
hahah yea, right. you deluded girl. i get so freaked out by these things and its only 10am. when i answer the door and im alone i almost always have some kidna of "weapon" in my pockedt or near by. i mean wat the fuck? where did this come from?!
on another note. i think i am fasting. but then i haev to drive my sister around soon, so i dobut it will last long as i want. so maybe im not. i think i will ahve a yoghurt before i drive anywhere. and after the gym (else ill get hungry and binge). plus will have tea. so all that wil mean me having 200 or so aday. which is ridiculous and cant be counted as a fast. so im not fsting. becuase i am eating yoghurt. because i friggen have to drive.
gargh seeing doctor today. about blood results or watever. my doctor has changed so last time when i was told i would get an iron injection if i hadnt improved...taht wont count now..coz its new doctor*fingers crossed*. maybe i should take my tablets. mayb there are some vitamins and minerals that will make me feel fuller. and i know it will give me more energy. and stop my hair falling out like it is. buuuuttt i dont think i can. damn. isee the nurse tommorow. mayb i cna get it changed to today. coz really i cant be bothered going back tommorow. and as always i feel bad becuase this time i ahve nothing new. i saw her when...friday last week? and its been a week and i ahve nothing new. which makes me want to cut. which is stupid. why should i feel so bad?? gargh! i hate it. i feel like i have to cut coz im seeing her. but i cant. my burn is kinda healed...its why im seeing her. but the way they dress it is stupid. it never works and i always get infected--liek now. last time i thought she realised that coz the last 3 times she used a new method. but now back to the old and my skin ahtes it. so i am icky. but the smell isnt as strong coz ive been cleaning it every day and stopped dressing it how she said. its making me angry that its healing coz its not big enough. its about 6-7cm long and 3cm at its widest point. yet its not big enough. coz i fucking want the whole arm covered. yea great emily. then you really would lose your arm. you wouldnt jsut be at risk of losing your hands like now. there would be no more warnings coz kaboom your arm would fall off...no blood flow!! hahhaha |
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fatal_analistic's journal
distressed