obsession

fatal_analistic @ 2007-10-19T22:58:00

2007-10-19T13:00:52Z

im back at my plcae again. and what have i done?
binged. purged. binged again. i realllly dont want to purge. lately purging just makes me fell soooo bad. but i cant leave so many bowls of seriously INSIDE me and by seriously i mean cereal. obciously.
fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfuckfuckfukfukfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfckfuckfuckuckf
i need fucking OUT OUT OUT OUTOOUT OT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUTOUT

cold. cold water

2007-09-17T04:08:59Z

my cat jumped on to the fire/stove this morning. burnt all his paws. a couple pretty badly. but we cant do anything the vet said except put this stuff on them and yea. hes ok now. was shock tho. i wanted to throw up not coz the burns look bad but at the thought of him jumping on the stove and getting hurt at all =/
so my fucking ididot of a dickhead tutor hasnt written to say yes or no to extension. god i hated her so much alreayd but now shes really in my bad books coz its my most important subject too and i cant afford to lose marks. my other assesment is still non existant. i want to cry but cant becuase its wrong coz i shoudl jsut have done it. but i just cant concentrate. my head just goes off on tangents worrying about this or that or day dreaming or having visions or phasing out. and it wastes so much time. al i want to do now is cut. but im trying not to. but if i do then i will concentrate. but then thats stupid. i need to be able to concentrate without it.
so im back in canberra. i had alot of toruble driving today. i wasnt tired but just wanted to shut my eyes for a while..and then i started getting that thing i get. and ugh. i dont know. but i made it safely. i felt so so so so drunk for no reason. my teeth are SO sore and i ahve no idea why.
im upset about a friend at the moment,. but i dont knwo what to do about it. i cant do anythign. i tried. *shrugs*
im so overwhelmed by everything. and now imback here. i dont want to be here. i dont want to see the people i know here. i dont want to go back to uni. i dont want to be in this house either. i dont want to be me. i dont want anything. fuck. everythign is just to much. bambambam plus uni stuff on that. i feel like im holding my breath until its all over but its not going to be over at all for a long time yet. im just so sick of everything.
---------
edit. later
so im at library at uni.. and still nothing done. haha wat a loooser. but my quota will run out and ill have to work. and that essay that is due tomoz that im tryign to get extension for that is for the most important subject...fucked now anyway. that subject was important coz competition for person who does best over the year. and i MIGHT have been in the running but i just got my latest assesment back and i got a D+ so i fucking well fucked it up!! coz i need like at least an HD or yea. so my average is fucked now. and some smart person will be getting hd+'s all the time. why do i carE? i have no idea. at all. i guess it means i dont have to wrory about getting marks deducted for ebign late. sitll im so upset with that mark. but then. it was the shittest thing i have ever written so yea. (not including high school!)

somehow all my money has gone. i dont remember how. icant remember spending so much. but suddenly i went from having like almost 2 grand to having 400$. and 500 wld have gone to rent..even 1000 maybe but it gets replaced...it just dpesnt make sense. argh. i just spend on whims for no reason. i just fuckign shop. haha alcohol. binge drinking might b the key. fuckery/ but no it still desnt make sense.

i hate everyone at the moment. ok not hate. not hate. but like. i know that if i saw people now, except maybe a few..i would just be so ARGHED at them.im going through my ihateu phaese. i hate it. i like people ALOT for a while and then suddenyl its like BAM WHAM im sick of them and hate them OR am scared of them (As is the case now?) and then often it jsut goes back to normal. i feel like such a btich tho..
but aparently that and the spending money and the everythign fucking well else is part of borderline. fuckign smorderline. i really doubt i ahve it ...but if i do then this quote makes me happier knowing its the bordeline and not me being crwzy haha in fact actually this explains alot "Borderline individuals are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood"...coz i always put that down to not identifying my emotions. but i can identify them like at the time kind of. its more wat that guy said. so yea

fucking do your fucking work

fatal_analistic @ 2007-09-09T19:57:00

2007-09-09T09:32:03Z

starting to realise why it is my mum is convinced i hate her
wish i had a tape recorder to show myself
how can i behave like that?
how has she lived through 20 years of it

fatal_analistic @ 2007-07-16T15:56:00

2007-07-16T06:00:02Z

so fucking pissed off. the fucking repeats of the lecs are cancelled so now i ahve to fucking change subjects or never attend lectures. so fucking annoyed this is so stupid. these two courses shouldnt fucking clash coz they are ones people who do anth obviously would do at the same time. thhis is bullshit. i hate uni.
i woke up this morning with the same feeling that i used to wake up with before school everyday. i mean i thought i would have grown out of this. am i going to feel like this every fucking day i wake up for the rest of my life? no just the days i have uni/work/study or some kind of thing on. god i hate it. I HATE IT.
on another note. i am such a CLUTZ i found more bruises...hehe shoulder and lower back like just above my arse where my undies sit. woot i am such a drunken noodle!

fatal_analistic @ 2007-07-15T21:02:00

2007-07-15T10:48:41Z

stupid uni starts tomoz. well tues for me. and i thought i was sorted, coz my classes clashed but it was ok. coz the lecs and film for anth were repeted the next day, so i had it sorted. now i look at the timetable and there is no repeat.s NO REPEATS> i emailed tho coordinator. fucking im pissed off. its tuesday and im going to miss probably all of my classes, decididng which to attend! i shouldn even be doing socy1004 considering i never did socy1003 or wattevr.
Gagh

fatal_analistic @ 2007-07-15T16:50:00

2007-07-15T06:30:28Z

ugh. i feel sick. hungover yes. drank from 2 till 2 ugh 12hours drinking. groossssss....
yesrerday before i went i was having like a weird anxiety attak, cold sweats heart racing so hard and jumping around.
i felt so out of whack. i wasnt THERE nothing was REAL it was all werid. i could hardly even drive. i gto there and nothing changed....i took panadol. and then more. and alcohol. and more panadol. ugh. only 10panadol tho. so its ok. but the red bull friggen did me in so bad. red bull has never had that affect on me before. never. so i couldnt sleep when i gto to bed--not from being awake but coz my heart was about to escape my body it was rushing and then slowing adn then skipping and rushing again and my eyes werent focusing and had the shakes. woooo thats caffine bad reaction for u! it stil hasnt gone. didnt drive, mum and dad got me and my car hehehe mum took my pulse and (she used to be a nurse) its still way faster than normal. hehehe ugh. i feeel siiick. ate coz i coudlknt thorw up and it took away the immedaite involuntary need to throw up!!! hehehehe arrggghhhhh

ic ant remember sooo much abotu alst nigth. but it was fun i am sure. ehehhe
i have fingerprint bruises on my arm. i dont no wat from. but they are large things. i dont remember being held that tightly by my arm. it hurts. mayeb it was that freaky guy who did my neck too...ill check for more bruises. i think i bruise easily?

fatal_analistic @ 2007-07-03T18:46:00

2007-07-03T08:26:41Z

i binged on bread today. purged. thtas two days with binges. if i hadnt gone to melbourne i would have lost at least 2 more kg by now. not gained. and i wouldnt be binging. but now ive had my "shower" and i cant do it again, but i stil have to have dinner. and of course its special dinners the next 2 nights coz my sis is going away. meaning i have to eat them. i dont know if i can eat! my stomach is killing me right now. it feels like its being torn apart. probably is from the food. i purged and purged until nothign came but it was all in there sitll. i feel like when it washed down the drain it went straight bac into me.

fatal_analistic @ 2007-05-27T15:40:00

2007-05-27T05:54:19Z

fuck you

fatal_analistic @ 2007-05-14T15:58:00

2007-05-14T06:03:28Z

essay 1: 0 words... understanding of wat i need to write ?? 0 000000!!!

essay 2 : 0 words...btu tis just a rewrite plus extra 500

but the essay 2 is due after essay 1 and if i try to do it first i go crazy...i know its stupid but seriously my mind just fucks up. i have to do them IN ORDER. in order emily in order. try as i may it jsut gets worse if i dont do it in the right order

argh im fucked im fucked. i cant do this. i hate uni i hate it.
why fucking test us anyway. well me. we all know i suck!!

procrastination...maybe if i make that into an acrostic poem it will make me think
gargh. its coz im fat. the fat hs leaked into my brain and is making me stupider and stupider.

hahah speaking of fat, when i was driving back from armidale and hand pains all down my arms i looked at my hand and it was all like. big. and jane was with me and i was like..does my hand look weird to u? and she said..yea looks bigger. and i paniced because i knew it was from the day before when i had binged and all the fat was being stored in my hand before being transported to rest of body. if i had cut off that hand it wouldnt have gone into my body. but i was driving so i couldnt.
and i know i know
irrational irrational irrational

Well fuck u irrationality!

fatal_analistic @ 2007-04-27T17:06:00

2007-04-27T07:05:58Z

die

fatal_analistic @ 2007-04-17T16:01:00

2007-04-17T06:49:26Z

hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

tv

2007-04-17T05:59:37Z

so that ad for that new fucking show where that lady is trying to lose heaps of weight fast is really uspetting and annying me. to "put people off" trying to be like the starrs in thinness. fucking have they no common sense? people wont watch it and be put off. SO many people with eds will watch for 'tips' or thinspo. and then those who are at the make or break point of having ed are going to just be broken and fucking suffer. its stupidest thing ever. i am so angry about it yet want to watch it

fatal_analistic @ 2007-04-11T17:38:00

2007-04-11T07:18:45Z

my head is not working. my brain is just falling apart. i ahve to have finsihed writing an 8min speech for uni by tomoz. and all i ahve done is read shit. and then written unrelated year 6 style sentences that just make no sense. and it all makes no sense. its all so stupid. and i keep walking away. i have been doing it for days. and nothing. but how can i not fail. god oh fucking mighty. make my brian figeen work. i cant even spell brain anymore. gargh. i hate this. i just want to sleep! im so tired!

fatal_analistic @ 2007-04-10T19:34:00

2007-04-10T10:18:38Z

so i was dirving home. evening. country road. rounded corned and a big male roo jumped out. not early enough to hit my bull bar. late enogh to hit the side of the front of my car. it tried to hop away. fell. tried aain. shuddered. i left it. went the 2 ks home to get dad to come kill it if it needed it. got home looked at my car (dad bought) and cried. the side is all dented. the passenger door wouldnt open....v v baf...costly...cried and was so angry with me. got dad. we coudlnt find it. then ehard it in the scrub, dad coould jsut see enough that it was hopping on both its back legs thank gawd. but the way is shuddered...the side of it, its ribs and upper arms must be broken. or his head. or seomthing. but too dark to get to him. so ahd to leave him till mroning and we will go check and deal with him if we need to. i wanted to kill myeslf., need to cut so bad. i cant stand hurting things...not like that u no...if i have to kill stomghin then it has to be clean and quick. plus the cost of damage to the car. mum, after being upset , said at least my car hadnt hit someone elses or i hadnt been hurt. i said i wld rahter it had been me hurt. i am so cruel and such a fucker and so costly to my parents. there is no way i can admit it truly was an accident. i cuole have gone more slowly aroudn the corner. i knewo 60 was to fast. its speed limit 80 in day but twighlight is roo ligth and i no that. fucker.

fatal_analistic @ 2007-04-08T17:20:00

2007-04-08T07:10:48Z

so this guy who lived with us for over a year and talked to me lots and shit is here for easter. coz hes got a job in japan and is moving there. anyway. wont go into detail. picked him up lsat night and he an i went for late night beahc walk and chat. beautiful moonlit on beach. anyway i thought my parents had told him bout me. but hadnt obvciously coz he said some stuff...and i was like. woah ok. he started ttalking about detoxes etc adn how he does this one in thailand which is fasting with occasional watermelon and herb drinks. for 14days. he said it makes him feel great emotionally to. but he went on to tell me he lost 11kg.(he was slightly overweight) and i was like. fuck. man so i askwed more and more and wat his bmi had been etc to try to see how much i wld lose. he obviosuly had no idea bout any ed i might ahve ahd. later he started talking about food funamentalists. and how he didnt like them. people who are so concerned with food and strict. and like, he said an eg of when peple make u food with their love in it and you "have" to reject it. i said i was a food fundamentalist and that the midn can be very strong. he didnt get me tho. and siad yea but talked about seomthing else. he didnt ask about my arm bands. thank god. but then didnt seem to be like evryone else asaying how i shld just work. but just hten he snuck in here and said he has perfect job: an ofice temp. like all u do is file and type and shit. and get paid heaps. and its when you like and stuff. so iw as like wow. coz obviously he doesnt know that its not the type of job thats the problem its the actual fucking apllying for getting adn GOING to the job that is the problem. i eman i volunteer and at LEAST 3 of 5 times in that i ring up andsay im not going. or jsut dont go. coz too anxcious. me. anyway was werid. chocolate. easter ugh. and my sis makes this easter cake which has no flour or anything. jsut egg chocolate sugar and butter. and the icing is pure cream and choc. its great. but so fucking.cal ridden. and then we have a chicken dish with cream in it. and potatoes. god. im so fat. im so angry. both yesterday and today i have stuggled to hold back tears after i hav eaten. purged yesterday but not able to today. hopefully i can sya im full when dinner comes. but i doubt they will accept it. my parents no i dont hav an ed anymore. well they dont really no about my bulimic tendencies btu they both no iv put on. and haev been eating for them and everyone. god i ahte this. fatfatfat so exasperated and upset. have to meet james tuesday and now dont want to.i feel like im rejecting my other friends by seeing him. but i eman i organised that before. and they wanted me to go out last night. but i live 40mins from them when i am here. and i had to get steve and shit. argh i am such a bad friend

spit electricity

2007-03-26T11:22:47Z

I failed it. i know i did. the moment i walked in with the (Really nice lady who was young and a psychologist) i sat down. and i realised that i had already failed. she looked at me and thought "jesus look at this girl. shes just a fat arse lazy slob, theres no real issues with her". and then pretended to be nice and supportive and ask me questions. i answered badly. i didnt know what to say. they will say i can work where there is no people. hopefully first they will send me to fat camp where they can starve me for weeks. so she sends that stuff off. should get to centrelink by friday. then they decide. so im fucked. a) i am positive i failed. and b) if i did pass then centrelink are going to take a while to get it through and easter is soon, so there is no way i will have it by the 12th APril so now way i can avoid borrowing the 900$ i need to get to my compulsory res school in armidale. (fuel, accomodation and food costs for 2 weeks. its a 10hour drive. and i am a fatty bum cheeks who eats lots). I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO OWE THEM ANY MORE> i keep track of almost everything adn i dont want an extra grand added DAMN IT> fuckfuckfuckfuck.
youll just have to get a JOB EMILY YOU LAZY FUCKER>
i finished my ANTH essay. so no more assigns until the 17th of april. its a speech at res school. and im 2 weeks behind. and the rest of this week = uni and packing and moving. shit-a-brick.

fatal_analistic @ 2007-03-25T21:26:00

2007-03-25T11:27:36Z

interview is tommorow. and i forgot in todays hassles. i mean events. so i havnt prepared. adn i hav ti sleep soon. and rspca in morning. and then i think i wont get to gym coz doing this film thing. which means...no combat again. fucking christ. so huge.

fatal_analistic @ 2007-03-24T22:07:00

2007-03-24T11:09:37Z

carry me away
but dont touch me

argh!

2007-02-19T04:31:29Z

starting uni tomoz. and im freaking out. i mean. its my second year of correspondence uni, but im onyl jsut starting actual face-t-face uni. and im freaking out. beucase it means i ahve to go to a uni. and there will be people. and the lecturers will know who i am if i fuck up. but its not that. its people ebing there. or is it? either way im freaking. id rather do both corses by correspondence.but i cant handle the load. which is PATHETIC. every grade has to me a distinction or above this year. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
tommorow i will weigh ymself again. if i have gone back up to my high weight then god fucking fuck u.punishment>
argh!uni!people!studying!

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-15T10:03:00

2007-02-14T23:16:10Z

my house has like a semi hedge thing between it and the road. tho the things that are supposedto be the hedge arent that well developed. so i can stil see out onto the road.
its 10am. its the morning. and i saw this flash of organe go past one window and then the otehr. maybe its just me but i SWEAR it was inside the hedge. and it was a big orange. and it if was outside the fence it wouldn moved so fast. and it wanst a car. it was a man shape. like a big construction worker. so wat did i do? i ducked and ran to my room and peeked out the curtain. becuase i get so freaked out by things like that. if i am home alone and somone comes knocking or anywhere in my yard i FREAK out coz im so pathetic!!! anyway this orange thing disappeared. i coudlnt see it anywher. maybe hes waiting till i go outside.
hahah yea, right. you deluded girl. i get so freaked out by these things and its only 10am. when i answer the door and im alone i almost always have some kidna of "weapon" in my pockedt or near by. i mean wat the fuck? where did this come from?!
on another note. i think i am fasting. but then i haev to drive my sister around soon, so i dobut it will last long as i want. so maybe im not. i think i will ahve a yoghurt before i drive anywhere. and after the gym (else ill get hungry and binge). plus will have tea. so all that wil mean me having 200 or so aday. which is ridiculous and cant be counted as a fast. so im not fsting. becuase i am eating yoghurt. because i friggen have to drive.
gargh seeing doctor today. about blood results or watever. my doctor has changed so last time when i was told i would get an iron injection if i hadnt improved...taht wont count now..coz its new doctor*fingers crossed*. maybe i should take my tablets. mayb there are some vitamins and minerals that will make me feel fuller. and i know it will give me more energy. and stop my hair falling out like it is. buuuuttt i dont think i can. damn. isee the nurse tommorow. mayb i cna get it changed to today. coz really i cant be bothered going back tommorow. and as always i feel bad becuase this time i ahve nothing new. i saw her when...friday last week? and its been a week and i ahve nothing new. which makes me want to cut. which is stupid. why should i feel so bad?? gargh! i hate it. i feel like i have to cut coz im seeing her. but i cant. my burn is kinda healed...its why im seeing her. but the way they dress it is stupid. it never works and i always get infected--liek now. last time i thought she realised that coz the last 3 times she used a new method. but now back to the old and my skin ahtes it. so i am icky. but the smell isnt as strong coz ive been cleaning it every day and stopped dressing it how she said. its making me angry that its healing coz its not big enough. its about 6-7cm long and 3cm at its widest point. yet its not big enough. coz i fucking want the whole arm covered. yea great emily. then you really would lose your arm. you wouldnt jsut be at risk of losing your hands like now. there would be no more warnings coz kaboom your arm would fall off...no blood flow!! hahhaha

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-14T21:39:00

2007-02-14T10:40:51Z

grossly hugely fat.
keep thinking about the dream i had 2 weeks ago. its bugging me again. *sigh* i think becuase it was my fault.

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-08T13:50:00

2007-02-08T02:51:04Z

im not coping.
im not cpoing.
self harm doesnt work anymore. i dont know waht to do
i cant do this anymore
im not coping

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-03T20:08:00

2007-02-03T09:11:54Z

todays intake:392 = 400cals
OH GOD
badbadbad
excercise= cody balance=302cals

total cals: 90 = 100

nonono i want chocolate
oh badbad
badbabdbad

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-02T22:00:00

2007-02-02T11:01:01Z

1. season of death

in the season of death
lays a blue bed of gold
an incongruent thistle
awaiting to take hold
to take hold of me

in the season of death
the rough silken sheets
invitingly wrao me
in long needed sleep
long needed sleep ive missed

in the season of death
a bed floats away
caressing it passenge
soothing its victim
soothing its victim thats me

2.
in the night
fortune calls
can you hear her?
watch out!
you'll fall.
shes tempting you
to hold her hand
but its a trick
please understand
she'll trap you in
and pull you down
and i will help her
make you drown.

i cannot save you
im part of the game
i was pulled in
and lost my name,
my life, my love
my soul went to
and now
now i do the same to you

3.
can you hear me?
dont let me go.
im sinking through
to this place well known
hold me tighter!
touch me, please
i cant feel you
see you
hear you

silent voices
loudest screams
lightening shatterd
all my dreams
The blood pool rising
smells so weak
its release
relapse
i cannot speak

4.
behinf the noise
the smarmsih battle
the girl stands
alone
quiet
determined.
she boils the kettle
and patiently waits
she picks up the spoon
twirls it
focused
alone
quiet.
click.
down pours the water
scalding hot
over the spooon
heating and heating
quietly
determined
alone
she presses the spoon
onto her skin
gasping she holds it
hands bunched into fists
slowly
quietly
alone
the pain decreases
she removes the spoon
tearing the skin a little
she reheats it
and
determined
quiet
alone
she places it down
burning
burning
bliss

fatal_analistic @ 2007-02-02T19:20:00

2007-02-02T08:25:11Z

today:
20g blueberries-10
30gblackberries-9
20gstrawberries-7
40g yohurt diet:-16

cup-a-soup chicken noodle--40 cal/??according to calorieking.com
25gcucumber,25gtomato,20gcarrot,20glettuce,tuna light tempers-100
yoghurt diet 200g-82cal

gum-4cal
cokediet-0
jarrah-50
cordial-5

total:
326cal

Excercise= body balance40mins-302cals(according to calorieking)

Total minus excercies=2cals
or 100 if i ahve one lindor ball